Opening Credits
Int. Main Office–Day
As the scene opens, Andy is singing an A Capella version of the Corner Gas theme. Jim tries to work for a few minutes despite of Andy’s singing but eventually gives up and walks over to Reception.
Pam is at her desk as Jim leans against the reception area, grabbing some jellybeans to snack on. Jim waits for Pam to talk to him, but she ignores him.
JIM
(after a moment)
Okay, Beesley, you’re still mad about my choice of entertainment last night, aren’t you?
PAM (smiling but shaking her head)
I can not believe you made us watch Epic Movie.
JIM
Hey, it looked good. Harry Potter – you liked. Chronicles of Narnia – you liked. Pirates of the Caribbean - you liked. I figured that you’d like a movie that combined all of those movies that you liked in a humourous parody of all of the above.
PAM
(shakes her head again)
Sorry, Halpert, but you blew it big this time. In fact, it is my sad duty to inform you that you are no longer the Official Movie Picker-Outer. You have been demoted.
JIM
So what? I am now the Assistant Movie Picker Outer?
PAM
Assistant TO the Movie Picker Outer.
JIM
I see. So now that I have been demoted, what are my new duties? Do I assist you in picking out the movies?
PAM
No…basically you just agree with whatever movies I pick out…and then you carry them up to the check-out counter for me.
JIM
Wow…so do I just nod my head and say “Good choice”?
PAM
Actually, you are allowed to alter it a little. You could substitute “Great choice” or “Sounds great” or “What amazing taste in movies you have, O Superior Movie Picker Outer!”
As Pam and Jim continue to discuss Jim’s new status as “Assistant TO the Movie Picker Outer”, Ryan comes into the Office. Seeing the couple at Reception, Ryan smiles.
RYAN
It’s nice to know that some things never change.
Jim and Pam turn to see Ryan, rather self-consciously.
JIM
Hey, Ryan
PAM
Hi, Ryan.
JIM
How are things at Corporate?
RYAN
Hectic as ever. Is Michael in…
MICHAEL (o/c)
Ladies and Gentleman, it’s Ryan Howard!
Ryan winces as Michael comes out of his office and over to reception.
MICHAEL (to camera)
You know, they say if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. A little over a year ago, I said goodbye to Jim Halpert, one of the top salesmen at Dunder Mifflin, and, in time, he returned to us to become my Number Two. A short time later, Ryan Howard, the temp who stole our hearts, went to New York, and here he is back again. I guess that old saying is true.
RYAN
I’m only here for the afternoon, Michael. Let’s go into your office and get this over with.
Int. Hallway Outside Dunder Mifflin - Day
TALKING HEAD- RYAN
RYAN
Part of my job is to visit each of the branches under my supervision about once every other week, just to talk one-on-one with the Regional Manager and his staff. For my other branches, it’s pretty routine. Some times it’s kinda fun, getting a chance to talk with the branch-level staff, hear their ideas, find out what’s selling, what’s not. I think it gives me a perspective that I might otherwise miss out on if I simply talked with the Regional Manager over the phone.
(SIGH)
I’ve been to Scranton three times in the last month. In that time I’ve heard a detailed recap of the latest episode of Entourage, an Improv of the entire original Star Wars trilogy, the karaoke version of Mambo #5 and more about Michael and Jan ‘s sex life than any man should ever be forced to hear.
(SIGH)
I could probably have emailed Toby’s daughter, Sasha’s elementary school class and they would have told me more pertinent information about how this branch is doing.
Int. Michael’s Office- Day
Michael is seated at his desk. Dwight is standing behind him with some files, while Jim and Ryan are sitting across the desk from Michael.
MICHAEL
So, I was thinking that, with Dunder Mifflin’s big press on new techno-mumbo-jumbology, that this year instead of having the Dundees in some boring ol’ restaurant like Chili’s, we could go down to the local TV studio (I think they have a public access station) and we could simulcast it to all of the other branches. That way, maybe some of the other branch managers might be inspired to brainstorm ways to lift morale in their offices. Think about it, we could have the winners come out of the audience like they do t the Oscars or the Grammies, and…
RYAN
(interrupting)
Michael! I didn’t drive all the way in from New York to listen to you discuss the Dundees. If you want to hold the Dundees at Chilis on your own time, that’s fine but I don’t think it’s worth the time and effort to embarrass this branch in front of the rest of the company.
MICHAEL
(taken aback)
Wow!...Uh…okay…looks like somebody’s upset because their move to Corporate takes them out of the running for Hottest in the Office.
Ryan sighs.
RYAN
You know what…whatever. Listen, recently you lost a couple of employees. You lost Karen when she transferred to Utica (steals a look at Jim who looks away) and I went to Corporate so you’ve lost two salespeople…
MICHAEL
(snorts)
More like one and a half.
RYAN
…in addition to the rest of the staff from the Stamford branch, with the exception of Andy. Wait…What was that?
MICHAEL
Well. Yes, we lost Karen who was a solid salesman…saleswoman…salesperson. But no offence, but you never made a sale so therefore, I really think it’s more like one and a half salespeople.
Ryan simmers.
RYAN
However you want to do the math, Michael, the point is that Corporate is going to give you the opportunity to hire someone else to pick up the slack.
DWIGHT
Really? Corporate wants us to hire another temp to nearly burn down the building? Can you imagine the ad we’ll have to place in the paper?
Michael laughs at the idea but then quickly sobers up.
MICHAEL
(coughs) Oh Dwight…you know what…just shut it, okay, that was uncalled for.
Michael wrestles to control his laughter but then bursts out laughing again.
Ryan continues to simmer.
JIM
Actually, Ryan, that’s a good idea. I mean, since we lost you and Karen, and the rest of the Stamford branch, we’ve really found ourselves swamped, so another salesperson would really come in handy. I think one more person on staff would really help us make sure none of our customers fall through the cracks.
Ryan lightens up a bit.
RYAN
Exactly, Jim. That’s a good point.
MICHAEL
Very good point. The better we can serve our customers, the better Dunder Mifflin- Scranton will perform overall.
(beat)
But…here’s the problem: it’s going to take a massive effort on our part to find suitable candidates. Shouldn’t we be putting our time and energy towards something more important to Dunder Mifflin, like say…oh I don’t know, selling paper. A good salesperson like Karen…or you, doesn’t just walk in off the street and hand in a resume and say “Hey, I’d really like to work here.”
Pam, standing in the doorway, knocks on the door.
PAM
Michael, a gentleman just came in and dropped off a resume. Did you want me to put it in the file with the rest of them?
MICHAEL
Sure, Pam…put them in the wafer-thin file folder with the one or two resumes we’ve received over the past five or six years.
Pam comes into the room and opens Michael’s file cabinet. She retrieves a very thick file folder filled with resumes and begins to place this new resume in the folder.
RYAN
Actually Pam…could I take a look at that folder, please?
Pam looks from Ryan to Michael.
PAM
Sure, Ryan.
Pam takes out the folder and hands it to Ryan. Afterwards she leaves Michael’s Office and goes back to Reception. Ryan looks through the folder.
RYAN
Michael, there must be fifty resumes here. There has to be at least a couple of people who would be worthwhile calling in for an interview.
MICHAEL
(sighs) Okay, you know what, Ryan, my duties as Regional Manager keep me so busy here that I don’t have time to just spend hours setting up and conducting interviews.
RYAN
In the two and a half years that I worked here, Michael, you found time to have a bachelor party for Bob Vance, close a deal on your condo, have a karate fight with Dwight, and hold a funeral for a bird.
MICHAEL
(interrupting)
Hey, that was a very tender moment that helped a lot of people, including myself, deal with their grief over the loss of Ed Truck, so don’t…
RYAN
(putting the folder of resumes on Michael’s desk and getting up to leave)
Just go through the resumes, find four or five suitable candidates, interview them and find a new salesperson for the branch. And I need it done by the beginning of next week.
Ryan leaves. Jim follows him out of Michael’s office and goes back to his desk, leaving Michael and Dwight alone in the Office, to contemplate the situation and the resumes on Michael’s desk.
Michael is troubled by the task being given to him, putting his head in his hands. Dwight goes to put his hand on Michael’s shoulder for comfort, thinks better of it. He pauses a moment, trying to think of something to do or say. Finally…
DWIGHT
Maybe you should see if any of them have experience as a Volunteer Fireman, then at least he or she could put out the fire after he or she starts it.
Michael cracks up again.
MICHAEL
That was pretty funny.
DWIGHT
(smiling)
I know. (singing) Ryan started the fiii-ah!!
MICHAEL
(serious)
Okay…shut it!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Int. Michael’s Office - Day
TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL
MICHAEL
I have always said that Dunder Mifflin, the Scranton branch anyways, is like a family…and every family member, whether it be like, the kid sister, Pam or the big brother Jim…or that weird cousin nobody likes, Dwight… or the aunt that’s a lush, Meredith, or the lovable neighbour, Stanley…or the pervert that lives down the street Creed, they all have their little quirks, those weird little idiosyncrasies that make them who they are. And while we love them for it, sometimes it can just annoy the heck out of me. And really, who wants to have to break in another weirdo who plays in a cover band or who watches Battlestar Galactica or who knits or who is some weird cat lover? And suppose that (holds up stack of resumes) one of these people is even weirder than the motley crew we’ve already got?
Beat
(whining)
Oh, who am I kidding? I just don’t want to have to read through all these resumes, and then set up appointments and do interviews and have to pick somebody and then do all the follow-up e-mails telling people they didn’t get the job. I mean, suppose one of the people I interview turns out to be some psychopath who looks good on paper but will start stalking me after I turn them down.
Beat.
(Takes a deep breath) Okay, a good manager knows when to delegate. Part of my job as a manager is to give those people working under me greater responsibility. I need to give one of my employees a chance to step up to the plate and score a touchdown.
Michaels gets up from his desk and walks into the doorway from the Office.
MICHAEL
Jim, can I see you in my office for a moment?
Michael goes back to his desk as Jim comes into the office.
MICHAEL
Jim, as my number two, you are responsible for assisting me in my daily tasks and therefore I am going to delegate, like a good manager should, to you, the very important task of hiring the new employee that Ryan was talking about earlier.
JIM
Oh I couldn’t do that to you, Michael. I mean, I really admire you as a boss and would not want to do anything that might jeopardize your career here at Dunder Mifflin.
MICHAEL
(puzzled)
I’m not…I don’t understand.
Jim looks around to see if anyone is watching and then leans in close, almost conspiratorially, towards Michael and speaks in hushed tones.
JIM
(just above a whisper)
I’ve never actually hired anyone before. I know that Ryan specifically put you in charge of hiring someone and if I screw it up, this being my first time, and this new person doesn’t work out, Ryan is going to assume that the hiring was done by you, and he won’t ask questions, he’ll just hold you responsible.
Jim leans back and adapts a more normal tone.
JIM
So, you can see why I’m hesitant to take on such responsibility. But I am flattered. I just don’t want to do anything that might reflect badly on you.
MICHAEL
Oh sure…yeah. I…understand.
Jim gets up and heads out of Michael’s office..
JIM
I’m sure you’ll do a fine job, Michael, what with your experience and good track record. I mean, you hired me, right? And you hired Pam…and…uhm… Dwight.
MICHAEL
Exactly. Leave this to the professionals. Don’t want to play around with something this important.
Jim leaves.
MICHAEL
Damn it.
Int. Main Office – Day
Jim and Dwight are sitting at their respective desks, working.
DWIGHT
So…Number 2…Question: what’s the latest on the New Blood?
JIM
Wasn’t that the first Rambo movie?
DWIGHT
Phhtt! That was First Blood and while a great movie, has nothing to do with the conversation.
JIM
You’re the one who started talking about Rambo,
DWIGHT
No, I…Listen, has Michael told you anything about who he plans to hire? Personality? Qualifications? Background?
JIM
(concentrating on his computer screen)
Nope. Not so far.
DWIGHT
(glancing towards Michael’s office)
Personally, if it were up to me, I’d focus more on who the person is and what he brings to the table on a mental and physical level than his experience. I mean, a successful sales career is nice, but we need someone who has the killer instinct to survive in the urban jungle known as sales.
JIM
So…we’re back to Rambo, again. What is it with you and him today, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Laugh if you want, Jim, but a John Rambo –mentality is exactly what this new employee could use. Kill or be killed, Jim.
JIM
So, maybe we should take out an ad in Soldier of Fortune.
DWIGHT
Wouldn’t hurt. I’ll see if they have an email for their advertising department.
Jim shoots a “Can you believe this” look at the camera as Dwight begins to type away on his computer. Before Dwight can get too far with his investigation, he hears someone clear their voice. He looks up to see Angela from across the room. She jerks her head towards the break room and then heads in that direction.
Dwight makes a show of looking around to see if anyone is watching. Then he gets up and heads toward the break room as well.
Int. Break Room – Day
Angela is standing in front of the microwave, pretending to be waiting for something to cook. Dwight has the refrigerator open and is just as obviously pretending to be searching for something to snack on.
ANGELA
This is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for.
DWIGHT
Another coup? Never. Look how badly it back-fired on us…on me, the last time.
ANGELA
No, nothing like that. If you tell Michael you want to be in charge of hiring the new employee, not only does your own stock rise in the eyes of management, but we, I mean, you could hire someone you can trust and someone you could mold into the kind of employee we need around here.
Dwight thinks on that.
DWIGHT
I like the sound of that. The balance of power could be shifted.
ANGELA
Of course, if you leave it up to Michael, we’ll get another moronic slacker whose only qualification is that he has all the American Pie movies on DVD. Do you really want another Kelly or Pam or Jim in this office, bringing the rest of us down. This is a way for us to have another ally in this branch, another hard-working, morally-sound individual.
DWIGHT
I like the way you think, my precious monkey.
ANGELA
With three of us working together to improve things, we would be unstoppable.
DWIGHT
Then finally this Office would be the well-oiled machine we always knew it could be
(VOICE RISING)
.Three workers of like mind, putting all our efforts toward the betterment of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, working as one towards making this the number one branch in the company. We could steamroll over loss productivity and buffoonish behaviour. No more lost work hours spent on foolish pranks and mindless chitchat. Those who we do not crush will join with us or perish!
ANGELA
(taken aback)
Perish?
DWIGHT
(calmer)
Well, in terms of their careers. As far as me taking charge of the hiring, I will discuss it with Michael as soon as I am back from my sales call. I will be flush with yet another great victory in terms of sales, and I will follow it up with a much-needed victory against the slackers in this office.
ANGELA
Oh…Dwight, I…
Angela is smiling broadly at Dwight’s words. She takes a moment to compose herself.
ANGELA
Very well, then….Wait thirty seconds.
Angela leaves the break room. Dwight remains behind.
DWIGHT
(counting)
1…2…3…4…5…6…
Dwight looks around to see if anyone is watching.
DWIGHT
(hurriedly)
…29…30!
Dwight leaves the break room. After he leaves the camera finds the door to the women’s washroom open a crack. A moment later, it opens completely to reveal that Pam has overheard the entire conversation. She shoots a worried look towards the camera as she exits the washroom.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Ext. Dunder Mifflin Parking Lot - Night
TITLE: 4:25 A.M.
The sales staff is all gathered around a large white van (with the words Vance Refrigeration printed on the side). The side door is open and baggage has been loaded into it.
Stanley and Phyllis are leaning against the side of the van, drinking coffee and talking. Andy is sitting in the van, trying not to fall asleep. Dwight is doing some rather heavy calisthenics while Jim loads one last bag into the van. Afterwards, Jim goes over to where Dwight is.
JIM
Are you sure you want to be doing all that exercise? You’re going to tire yourself out.
DWIGHT
Do you feel tired, Jim? I’m completely awake and could drive all day. Fact: the more exercise you do, the more it helps your body wake itself from its slumber. Fact: I could do 100 jumping jacks at 12:00 midnight and have enough energy to plant an entire beet field until 6:00 am.
JIM
Why do I have the feeling that you know those facts based on personal experience?
Andy walks over, wiping sleep from his eyes and yawning.
ANDY
No offence, Big Tuna, but this whole 4:00 a.m. start time sounded a lot better on Monday afternoon than it does this morning.
DWIGHT
Weakling. You’d feel better if you had 300 sit-ups under your belt.
ANDY
Freak.
Stanley and Phyllis walk over.
STANLEY
Where is Michael? Considering all this planning and inconvenience is his fault, shouldn’t he be here?
DWIGHT
(concerned)
That’s right, where is Michael?
STANLEY
Knowing him, he’s probably still in bed asleep.
DWIGHT
No, Stanley…no. Michael told me that yesterday that he was setting his alarm for 3:00 a.m. exactly. He said that he would be out of bed the second the alarm went off so he could hit the shower and get breakfast and be ready to hit the road.
Int. Michael’s Condo - Night
The camera crew is outside the condo, peering in through his bedroom window. We see his alarm clock. It reads 2:59. A moment later, it changes to 3:00 and the alarm goes off. We hear a lot of mournful moaning and can just make out Michael hitting the snooze alarm.
Cut to:
The alarm clock now reads 3:07, as it turns to 3:08, the alarm goes off again, and again, we see Michael hitting the snooze alarm. This scene is repeated for 3:16 and 3:24.
Int. Rear of the Van – On the Road – Day
TALKING HEAD – JIM
JIM
We are finally on the road, headed towards Las Vegas. Michael finally arrived…at about 6:30 having slept in until 4:00, then showering, having breakfast, finally started packing and stopping off at Dunkin’ Donuts. Dwight is taking the first shift behind the wheel, and Michael is helping him navigate.
Int. Front of the Van –On the Road
DWIGHT
(behind the wheel)
This is nice, traveling along the open road. Seeing America.
MICHAEL
(reading map in the passenger seat)
Yeah…big whoop. Okay, we need to find a bathroom and quick. God, that coffee went right through me.
DWIGHT
There was a sign a couple of miles back that says there is a gas station not too far ahead. (Looks at the gas gauge) We’ll stop there and get gas.
MICHAEL
Nope. Not good enough. I have to go and like immediately.
DWIGHT
But, Michael, it’s just a little ways up the road. We’ll be there in a few minutes.
MICHAEL
Now…Dwight. You know what…you need to pull over now…As in NOW!!!
Ext. Road – Day
Dwight pulls over to the side of the road and Michael bolts out of the van and into some nearby bushes.
The rest of the staff gets out of the van at a much slower pace to stretch. They look over to the bushes where Michael has disappeared into.
STANLEY
If there was any justice, that would be poison oak.
After a few minutes, Michael emerges from the bushes, obviously relieved.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah…that did the trick. Listen, gang, I’m sorry, I know that this puts this behind schedule.
STANLEY
Further behind schedule.
MICHAEL
(continued)
But I couldn’t have made it to some gas station that might have been miles down the road. I mean, another 30 seconds and I would have….
(looks down the road)
MICHAEL
Oh crap!
The camera pans to follow Michael’s line of sight and we notice that the van has come to stop just perhaps a hundred yards from the entrance to the gas station. Camera pans back to an embarrassed Michael.
MICHAEL
(after a moment)
Well, you know what? We needed gas anyways, so everybody back in the van.
Ext. Gas Station - Day
BRENT, the owner of the gas station pumps gas into the van as Dwight looks on. Michael is wandering around the grounds, as the camera follows him.
MICHAEL
You know…I hate to admit it, but Dwight was right. This is a great way to see America. Driving along the highways and byways of the country. Seeing the sights, stuff we can tell our grandchildren about. Small little towns, quaint communities like…whatever this town is called, meeting new people. You know what they say “Every good friend was once a stranger”. Maybe this is a chance for us to make some new friends.
As Michael is talking, two locals, a husband (OSCAR) and wife (EMMA) walk out of the gas station lugging bags of groceries to their car. Oscar is talking to Emma,
OSCAR
And I still say that these new-fangled coins are just a bunch of hogwash. Every other week it seems they have to decorate the quarter with some gibberish or another. First it was for the veterans and then it was for the Olympics and then it was for some charity. Give me the day when a quarter was a quarter. If the moose was good enough for our fore-fathers, it’s good enough for these kids today. What’s next, some video game or whathaveyou.
Emma just sighs and keeps walking, largely ignoring Oscar. As the two come up to where Michael is standing, Michael turns and extends his hand to Oscar.
MICHAEL
Hello there, I am Michael Scott, from Scranton, Pennsylvania. I am just visiting your fine village and am very pleased to make your acquaintance.
Oscar looks at the hand that Michael has extended for him to shake, then at Michael.
OSCAR
Jackass! Get out of my way.
Oscar continues to walk past Michael, with Emma in tow.
OSCAR
And another thing, whatever happened to the days when you could get a cup of coffee for a quarter. Now they want a buck. Mark my words, inflation’s gonna ruin us all….
Michael stares after Oscar and Emma for a moment.
MICHAEL
Okay…well, that’s enough chatting up the locals. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
Michael walks towards the gas station and runs into Jim, Stanley, Andy and Phyllis, exiting the restaurant located next to the gas station, all looking very satisfied with their meal.
MICHAEL
Jim…Jimbo…We all ready to rock and roll?
JIM
Yeah…We just had lunch at the Ruby, the restaurant here. Good meal.
STANLEY
Fine meal. First thing that’s gone right this entire trip.
MICHAEL
Well, let’s hope it’s not the last.
STANLEY
(not entirely convinced)
Mmm-hmmm.
MICHAEL
Well, let me get this gas situation straightened away and we will hit the road.
Michael walks towards the gas station, while Andy, Phyllis and Stanley head towards the van. Jim decides to tag along with Michael.
Int. Gas Station - Day
Michael and Jim enter the gas station to find Dwight and a local (HANK) arguing while Brent and another gas station employee (WANDA) look on.
DWIGHT
I’m telling you. I have done extensive research and I can back up my claim. The new version is superior.
HANK
And I’m telling you the original was better.
MICHAEL
Okay, Dwight…what’s going on?
WANDA
Your buddy, Dwight and Hank here were having a meeting of the minds over a major philosophical issue.
BRENT
Yeah. They’re debating which version of Battlestar Galactica is better: the original or the current version.
HANK
Come on, Starbuck’s girl. How wussy is that?
DWIGHT
It doesn’t matter, the current version is telling a story on many different levels.
MICHAEL
Shut it. Okay, Dwight. Just…let me pay up and we’ll be on our way. (To Brent)
How much do I owe you?
BRENT
$29.95
Michael hands Brent a $20 dollar bill and a $10 bill.
MICHAEL
Don’t worry about the nickel.
BRENT
Well, actually, you get more than a nickel in change.
Michael gives the camera a look like “Do you believe this rube?”
MICHAEL
Wait. You said it was $29.95 and I gave you thirty bucks so that’s a nickel in change.
BRENT
Yeah…but I need to figure out the exchange rate. Wanda, what was the exchange rate this morning?
Again, with the “Do you believe this rube?” look.
MICHAEL
Exchange rate? Why do you need an exchange rate? This is American money. We’re from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
BRENT
Yeah, but you’re in Dog River, Saskatchewan.
Michael looks stunned by this information.
Int. Office Conference Room - Day
TALKING HEAD – JIM
JIM
I know that Dwight was driving and Michael was doing the navigating but my question is: how did we end up in Canada?
So I decided to post one of my Office fan fics here. Of course, since it's like 40 pages long, I knew I couldn't post it all in one shot. And so, instead I will post it in parts. To give you an idea of its length, I'm even breaking the Cold Open into two parts (admittedly, it's longer than normal). Read, enjoy, comment....
I`ll give the standard disclaimer. I don`t own any of these characters, and it takes place about mid-Season 4.
THE OFFICE – NEW HIRE
Int. Office – Accounting Dept. –Day
Oscar and Angela keep glancing towards Michael’s office door with worried looks.
ANGELA
(whispered)
Someone needs to go and tell him about this, before he comes up with some outlandish plan.
OSCAR
(whispered)
What are you looking at me for? You’re the head of accounting.
ANGELA
(whispered)
Fine! I’ll tell him as soon as he comes out of his office…but you have to back me up on this.
OSCAR
(whispered)
I’ve got all the figures right here. (points to a sheet of paper)
KEVIN
(whispered)
What are you guys talking about?
ANGELA
(harshly)
Shut up, Kevin.
TALKING HEAD – MICHAEL
Int. Michael’s Office - Day
Michael sits at his desk with a huge smile on his face. After a lo-o-ong moment, he begins to bop along to some music that only he can hear. Finally…
MICHAEL
(singing)
Va-ca-tion! All I ever wanted.
Va-ca-tion, had to get away!
Va-ca-tion…something, something noooowww!
Michael bursts out laughing.
MICHAEL
(continued)
Okay. So this weekend is not exactly a vacation, but it is the Annual Dunder Mifflin Corporate Sales Meetings. And what that entails, basically, is that all of the sales staff and management from every branch get together to compare notes, go to seminars on new products and sales techniques…YAWN!...and brag about how well their branch is doing. Now, in addition to deciding who has bragging rights…and to be honest…you’re looking at him…the great thing about these meetings is that they are being held in LLLAAASSS VVVEEEGGAASSSSS! In the immortal words of Sport Center’s Spencer Scott (no relation) Boo-yah!
Vegas, Baby! And you know what they say about what happens in Vegas. Don’t tell anyone, because the first rule is don’t talk about what happens in Vegas. Brad Pitt, Fight Club. Now, if you will excuse me, I must discuss this with the troops.
Int. Main Office – Day
Michael comes out of his office. Angela and Oscar see him come out and wince and shake their heads.
MICHAEL
Attention, everyone. It is that most wonderful time of the year. Better than Christmas, better than Easter, almost as good as spring break. It is time to get ready for this year’s annual trek to the Dunder Mifflin Corporate Sales Meetings.
DWIGHT
(pumping his fist)
YES!
MICHAEL
And it is my distinct pleasure to announce that this year, we will be loading up the truck and moving to…
DWIGHT
Beverly Hills? Nice!
MICHAEL
No…Dwight. Shut it, okay. No, this year we are going on an all-expense-paid trip to LAS VEGAS!
ANDY
Vegas? We’re going to Vegas? I am so there. In fact I am so there, I’m already there and will mail each of you a postcard.
ANGELA
Michael…we have a problem.
MICHAEL
Actually, Angela, that was “Houston, we have a problem” …Apollo 13…and we’re not going to Houston, we’re going to VEGAS.
(sings)
We’re leaving on a jet plane,
(continued)
Dunder Mifflin is putting us up in a fancy, four…four and a half star hotel. It’s gonna be sweet.
ANDY
Very sweet.
ANGELA
That’s the problem, Michael. You already spent the money in the branch’s operating budget for the trip.
MICHAEL
Wha…(Gary-Coleman-like) Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Angela?
OSCAR
It’s true, Michael. Last month, when you had that “Beat the February Blahs” Party where you hired Honeymoon Suite to play, both Angela and I told you that there wouldn’t be enough money in the budget to go to the Corporate Sales Meetings.
MICHAEL
Well, excuse me for wanting to pep up morale around the Office. God! Do you remember what a morgue this place was, everyone mopping around here like their grandmother had died?
KEVIN
Actually, my grandmother did die.
MICHAEL
Well then…you had an excuse, Kevin, but everybody else was just being whiny and mopey.
ANGELA
Well, it’s just that when we told you about the situation, you said that we’d pull the money out of somewhere and not to worry so much.
OSCAR
And then you started singing Wave Babies.
MICHAEL
So what? That was a great song.
OSCAR
But the band was playing “New Girl Now” at the time. The point is, Michael, there is no money for the trip to Las Vegas.
MICHAEL
Oh come on, you’re accountants, you can switch money from one section of the budget to the other. Work your magic, transfer funds, fudge the numbers.
ANGELA
No, Michael. That would be unethical.
MICHAEL
(sighs)
Okay…I understand where this is coming from. This is because this trip is for the sales people…
OSCAR
That’s not it, Michael.
MICHAEL
(continued and yelling)
…And you are jealous that you don’t get to go.
OSCAR
No, Michael. That’s not it.
MICHAEL
(less yelling, more whining)
Oh come on…I’ll bring you back a T-shirt.
ANGELA
It doesn’t matter, Michael.
Michaels throws up his hands and storms away.
MICHAEL
Okay…Attention all sales people: Mandatory Emergency Meeting in the Conference Room – STAT!
STANLEY
I’m on the phone.
Michael comes over and hangs up the phone on Stanley.
MICHAEL
Not anymore! I repeat: Conference Room – STAT!
STANLEY
You did not just do that.
Shaking his head, Stanley gets up from his desk and follows the rest of the sales people into the conference room.
Int. Office – Accounting Department – Day
Angela and Oscar stand by their desks looking towards the conference room.
OSCAR
All things considered, that went better than I expected.
KEVIN
Actually, I am kinda jealous that they get to go to Las Vegas. I love that town.
ANGELA
Shut up, Kevin.
Int. Office – Conference Room – Day
MICHAEL
Okay, as some of you may have heard: we have a major crisis on our hands. The annual Dunder Mifflin Corporate Sales Meetings are this weekend. The word on the street is that the wet blankets in Accounting have somehow lost all the funding for our transportation and accommodations.
DWIGHT
(ALMOST under his breath)
Bastards!
(more normal tones)
Wait…who in Accounting are we talking about?
MICHAEL
You know what, Dwight, that’s not important…so shut it. This is the crisis to end all crisises-es-es-es…whatever. If we are not at those meetings, we are up a creek and there are no paddles.
DWIGHT
Fact: Las Vegas is completely surrounded by desert.
MICHAEL
So…what does that even mean?
DWIGHT
Therefore. it would be impossible for us to follow a creek to Las Vegas, even if we had paddles.
MICHAEL
Focus, Dwight. Listen, we need to brainstorm, people. We need transportation and a place to stay.
PHYLLIS
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration has several large vans.
MICHAEL
Well, whoop-de-doo, Phyllis, thanks you for that useless bit of information. Stick that in with Dwight’s crap about Las Vegas having no creeks.
PHYLLIS
What I meant was that we could take one of his vans and drive to Las Vegas. The only problem is that there are no seats.
JIM
Actually, that may solve the problem of having a place to stay. We could all bring sleeping bags and sleep in the van. Wouldn’t be the most comfortable sleeping arrangements but it would solve the problem.
STANLEY
But how long would it take us to drive to Las Vegas from here?
JIM
Good question. Let me look it up.
Jim leaves the conference room, passing a confused looking Michael who keeps wanting to interject something, but never does.
ANDY
Check out the big brain on Big Tuna! And think about it, it combines the glamour and glitz of Las Vegas with all the fun of a camping trip…to Las Vegas. Nice!
DWIGHT
And when it comes to camping, no one knows more about surviving in the wilderness than Dwight K. Schrute.
ANDY
Unless is it Andy Bernard.
DWIGHT
I doubt that.
Jim comes back into the Conference Room.
JIM
Okay, bit of a problem. I checked both Google Maps and Live Search Maps and both say that a drive from Scranton to Las Vegas will take us about 35-36 hours, and that’s if we drive straight through with no breaks.
STANLEY
No breaks? You think I’m holding it for 36 hours?
JIM
Actually, what I’m suggesting is we plan for about 40 hours.
STANLEY
That’s a little better.
JIM
According to the itinerary Corporate sent us, there is a Meet-And-Greet at 9:00 pm on Friday night, so we need to be there by then, which means we need to be leaving Scranton at about 5:00 am on Thursday morning.
DWIGHT
I think we should meet in the parking lot by 4:00 a.m. just to give ourselves some time to get the van loaded and ready to roll.
ANDY
Much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Mr. Schrute here. Phyllis, can you make sure Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration has the van gassed up on Wednesday night?
PHYLLIS
Way ahead of you, Andy. I’ll call Bob as soon as I get back to my desk.
STANLEY
Jim, would it help any if I had Teri whip up some sandwiches that we could put in a cooler, so we’ll have something to eat on the road. Might save us a stop or two along the way.
JIM
Thank you, Stanley. That will help, and thank Teri for us as well.
STANLEY
Will do.
DWIGHT
Speaking of food…Jim, at some point on Wednesday, we should take some money from petty cash and get some snacks and drinks out of the vending machines. We’ve got ‘em, might as well, use ‘em.
PHYLLIS
We should probably have another meeting tomorrow and on Wednesday to make sure we’ve got everything.
STANLEY
We should make a schedule for taking turns driving.
JIM
All very good ideas.
ANDY
(jotting a note down in his planner)
Tuna, that was 4:00 AM on Thursday?
JIM
(nodding)
Sad but true. Okay, are we missing anything? Forgetting anything?
The sales people all look at each other, shake their heads. Michael is trying hard to think of something, but can’t think of anything.
JIM
Well, then this meeting is adjourned. Meet back here at 1:00 tomorrow, I guess.
The sales staff gets up and head back out of the Conference Room filing past a rather stunned looking Michael as they do. After the last one (Andy) leaves, Michael stands by himself for a moment. He begins to smile.
MICHAEL
(to camera)
Did you see that? Did you see the way I got them to work together to solve the problems we were facing? I didn’t even have to do anything. I have trained these people so well in terms of what to do in a crunch. They all just jumped into action, just the way I trained them to do. Mark of a good manager, huh?
For those who don't get the reference, you're probably wondering what the heck this is.
For those who do, just try getting that song out of your head.
Alex Rodriguez (allegedly) used steroids.
Roger Clemens (allegedly) used steroids.
And now (allegedly) comes word that Robbie Alomar (allegedly) gave us another reason to hate him by (allegedly) giving his ex-girlfriend AIDS.
And yet (allegedly) it's wrestling that (allegedly) demeaned for every (alleged) ill and baseball that's (allegedly) held as America's Grand Olde Game.
Okay, with this (allegedly) being a long weekend, I've (allegedly) got a couple of updates including an (allegedly) long-winded rant about the real reason the economy is (allegedly) in the crapper, I (allegedly) post my Office fan-fiction and I (allegedly) review the Best of Saturday Night's Main Event. So (allegedly) there's something to look forward to over this weekend.
Allegedly.
I know that last week, Wiarton Willy saw his shadow, which means we've got another six weeks of winter. And considering that I've already heard people complaining that our winter has gone on too long, some of us may not make it for another six weeks.
But if there's one true sign that spring and summer is coming around the Milner household is the fact that my Dad and I are sitting here on a Saturday night watch the Budweiser Shootout NASCAR race. Yeah, NASCAR may rank right up there with pro wrestling in terms of low-brow, white trash sports entertainment, but my Dad enjoys watching it and I enjoy watching it with him. Of course, the Shootout is more of a spring training game before the big one, Daytona, next weekend.
And with barely a handful of laps underway, we have our first crash of the 2009 NASCAR season. Ironic that it should involve the Orange #20 Home Depot car that Tony Stewart (my pick for the victory at Daytona this year) used to drive. (18 year old Joey Logano was driving the #20 this year.)
And in keeping with that low-brow, white trash sports entertainment theme, I went to see the Wrestler last weekend. I find it strange that Paul Blart: Mall Cop was playing in practically every theatre in town the weekend it opened, yet we had to wait until nearly a month and a half after it opened before the Wrestler was first screened in London...and then in one theatre...and then in Masonville Place's SilverCity of all places.
The Wrestler isn't a comedy but there are times I laughed. Not so much at the movie but just at the audience. As I'm walking in, I see four people, maybe in their mid-30s, walking ahead of me. I'm assuming they're going to see one of the more "mainstream films". Imagine my suprise when they walk into "the Wrestler". I'm envisioning a scenario where they took their SUVs out of suburbia, dropped their kids off at hockey practice, called up the movie listings on their Blackberry and said "Hey, honey. Let's go see the Wrestler at SilverCity."
So as I walked in behind them (turns out they were two seperate couples) I said under my breath "You're not going to get this movie!" And I will also laugh at just about anyone I know (save a few exceptions, and you know who you are) who says "I saw the Wrestler on the weekend!"
Because the Wrestler isn't like Rocky, where boxing is really just a vehicle to tell the story about the underdog making good. Some could argue that the story that the Wrestler tells is the inability of Randy "the Ram" Robinson to adjust to the "real world".
In the 1980s, Robinson was one of the biggest stars in the industry (Lex Luger merged with Jerry Lynn if the opening Photoshopped montage is any indication) but like a lot of people, the 90s and early 2000s have not been kind to him. The Wrestler finds him wrestling in not only high school gyms but public school gyms for a few bucks while trying to make ends meet working in the stockroom of a supermarket.
Shortly after a promoter declares he wants to stage a rematch of Robinson's biggest match (a 1989 match at Madison Square Gardens against the Ayatollah - played by former WCW star Ernest "the Cat" Miller, somebody call his Momma!!!) Robinson has a heart attack after a hard-core match for Combat Zone Wrestling against Necro Butcher.
(As an aside, as I watched that scene, even I was like "Okay, this is a bit too hard core for me. Not enough of a story being told in favour of too much garbage wrestling." And it was this scene more than any other that left me shaking my head that The Wrestler got as much critical acclaim as it has. I was suprised people weren't leaving the theatre in disgust but to the best of my knowledge, no one did.)
He is told he can never wrestle again, and instead focuses on repairing his relationship with his estranged daughter (Evan Rachel Wood) and pursuing a romance with a local stripper (Marisa Tomei).
***** SPOILERS ON ******
However, after both relationships fall apart and he's stuck in a dead-end job that he hates, Robinson realizes that he can only find true happiness in the ring. And thus we begin to realize perhaps why we see Brutus Beefcake still wrestling in high schools or Koko B. Ware showing up to wrestle in front of a few hundred people at the local community centre. And why you see athletes crying when they announce their retirements. Because going out and competing just feels normal for them and hanging 'em up for good just doesn't feel right.
And so, Robinson turns his back on Tomei's last minute declaration of her love for him, and risks his health and his life to compete one last time, against the Ayatollah during a Ring of Honor show. And as the screen fades to black and Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler" begins, we are saddened by the Ram's fate, but we also realize that he found his home in the ring, where he couldn't in the real world.
**** SPOILERS OFF *****
And we wrestling fans now realize we've come a long way since 1994. That was the year that Tom Hanks was nominated (and won) the Oscar for Best Actor for Forrest Gump, playing the title character. What most people don't realize is that in Winston's Groom book that the film was based on. Forrest Gump...was a 300-pounder who became a professional wrestler!
Of course, in 1994, the world wasn't ready for a movie about a pro wrestler (to say nothing of the fact that Tom Hanks couldn't play 300 pounds.) In 2009, however, things have changed...at least a little bit. Of course, there has been talk that if Rourke agreed to appear at Wrestlemania in a wrestling capacity, that might hurt his chances to win the Oscar for Best Actor, so things haven't changed that much.
But Vince McMahon's desire to turn the publicity the movie's been getting into an angle for his company aside, how does this blogger, a fan of the industry since 1985 rate the Wrestler? Well, I think it may have become one of my top three all-time favourite movies. And I think it may have made it there based on the extra enjoyment I got out of the movie just from the research they did to get the small things right.
It's like Talladega Nights. Not a great movie but it earned points for getting a lot of small things right about NASCAR (example: changing the car colours for both Bill Elliot and the #43 from the beginning and the end of the movie, something small that could have been overlooked).
In the Wrestler (a far superior movie to Talladega Nights), whoever was in charge of such things (set dresser???) certainly made sure that us wrestling fans had a lot to like, whether it was making sure the wrestling magazines and sections they used to show Robinson's past exploits, or putting Nigel McGuiness's name on the Ring of Honor poster in the background of a scene.
The only drawback is that the dramatic part of the film felt more like a Sabu match, a lot of high spots but not as much in between to really make those spots feel special. As Robinson tries to reconnect with his daughter, one minute they are walking along the boardwalk, the next minute he's delivering his big "I just don't want you to hate me" line. If there had been a slow build to that moment, it would have had more emotional impact.
From a story point of view, I think that the Wrestler was about a third too short. If they had clipped some of the in-ring action, and used the time on the storyline, it would have gone from a good movie to a great movie. (Wait...too much in-ring action, not enough storylines...Man, the Wrestler is like the antithesis of WWE and TNA!)
But still, how can a wrestling fan like me not like a scenario where a movie that includes a "Holy Shit!" chant in the climactic scene is getting serious Oscar buzz? The Wrestler is not a perfect movie and I'm probably giving it a higher rating because it's about wrestling. However, considering I'm sure some critics panned the movie just because it's about wrestling, so I figure I'm okay.
Rating: * * * * (out of five)
