So, I figure I have about 15-20 minutes to update my blog before the start of one of the last episodes of Corner Gas. Sure, the first season in a long while where the show is not being routinely pre-empted by Dancing With the Stars or something else, and it's the final season! Sigh! Oh well, I guess we should enjoy the denizens of Dog River while we can...Jack&ss!
(And by the way, that little outburst wasn't an insult to any of my readers, but a reference you'll get it you watch the show.)
Ever have one of those nights where, for no apparent reason, you just can't fall asleep. Well, I had one of those last night. 1:00 am rolled past and for some reason I couldn't get to sleep. It wasn't that I was up worrying about anything, save as to how I was going to get through 8 hours at work today. In all, however, today wasn't too bad. About 2:00 or so I started to run out of gas and kinda limped my way to the finish line.
So I've been toying with the idea of having a potluck/open house for my 40th birthday this July. I've gone back and forth on it for the last couple of months. I mean, it'd be fun if I knew even a dozen or so friends might stop in, have a bite to eat, chat and catch up. However, I just don't want to go to a lot of time and energy and build up expectations for two or three people to show up. Of course, some might argue, and reasonably so, that even if two or three people show up, I should just enjoy the company and friendship those people show me. I've kinda decided, just now actually, that I'm going to continue this internal debate until this weekend and make a decision one way or the other. So...stay tuned, I guess.
My sister, Cathy, and my nephew, Jack, have arrived home in Glencoe for a visit. We were expecting them to come tomorrow but Cathy decided that, rather than wait around Whitby an extra day, they'd get in the car and head our way. So that was kind of a nice suprise.
Well, off to see Corner Gas...and then probably an early night.
I would like to start off this blog by announcing my retirement.
Oh wait. I'm not Curt Schilling.
On to more pressing matters: the environment. As many of you know, Earth Hour was held last night (Saturday) between 8:30 and 9:30 pm EST. I observed the occassion the only way I could think of...by turning on all the lights and every electrical appliance in the place and running around my house yelling "In Your Face, Tree-Huggers!!!!"
...
Okay, so anyone who is now offended by the above paragraph needs to really trade-up in the sense of humour department. Actually, it's probably sad that I have to explain that was a joke. I mean, really, quick show of hands, how many people actually read that and thought "Wow! John really did that????" Okay, those with your hands raised, use the other hand to surf away from this blog, because odds are that if you keep reading, there will be something else around here to offend your sensitivities. (I mean, come on, 90% of what I talk about here is pro-wrestling-related!)
Of course, we Milners made sure we had our lights off (although we still had the TV on, as Mom was watching Cops - she seemed to think Earth Hour was a conspiracy, conjured up by my Dad to rob her of a half-hour of Cops).I will say that I could extensively blog about how all this environmentally-consciousness is coming about 4 decades too late. That's not to say that environmentalists haven't come a long way in a very short period of time, but I still maintain that (a) society as a whole is still too set in their ways to overcome the fact that (b) we dug ourselve into a major hole.
And let's not talk about how we have to overcome centuries of environmentally-negative behaviour. (Although I'm looking at you, Industrial Revolution!) I would hazard a guess that much of the damage was done between the late 1940s and the turn of the millenium. I don't have the figures to back me up (and certainly perhaps there are figures out there to dispute this claim) but I would guess that the major damage to the ozone layer, the polar icecaps, the Rain Forests, and all these other enviro-flash points came during the heydays of industrial build-up after World War II when there was a good buck to be made in the manufacturing industry and at a time when people really weren't worried about what they were doing by pumping all that stuff into the air, water, etc.
And as someone who's worked in retail for a long time can tell you (OH! Stop rolling your eyes! Yes! I'm going THERE!) people, by and large, aren't going to do anything that isn't of some tangible benefit to them unless it's so darn easy they'll fall into it by mistake. I mean, come on, I've seen people who can't take two steps to put a magazine back on the shelf. I really don't think we, as a race, are going to take the time to go through their garbage and seperate it all.
Ever have one of those weeks where, even though you work less days than normal, it seems REALLLLYYYYY long. Well, that's the way this week was for me. On Sunday afternoon, I started getting the same flu that my Dad got on Thursday and my Mom got on Saturday. Needless to say I spent Sunday night/Monday morning running to the bathroom every hour.
If you ever needed an example of this job and certain other jobs I've had: On Friday morning, Shannon, our Area Manager, comes in and announces that she'd like to take us all out to the Palasad for the last hour of work, to celebrate the end of the 1st Quarter. So, hanging out at the Palasad, eating nachos and pita bread (soooo good!), etc was how I spent the last hour of my work week this week.
A heck of a lot better than having some customer come in and yell at you over late charges or because you can't tell them what book was on some radio show two years ago! (Of course, in retail, "the end of a work week" is more like "The last day of a five or six day stint before having one day off before starting another three-to-five day stint".)
As I write this, we're a week out from what used to be one of the biggest days on my calendar: Wrestlemania Sunday. Now, it's more like that old friend you still consider a friend but really don't have anything in common with. I mean, you still like to see him or her, but it's not like the old days when you were able to look forward to doing stuff with them.
Of course, the fact that the two main events are more soap opera than wrestling angle doesn't help. What should have been a solid one-on-one between Edge and John Cena is now more Big Show-Edge-Vickie Guerrero Love Triangle, since Cena has ducked out to focus on promoting his new movie 12 Rounds.
And you know...I find it disturbing that the WWE is showing such a lack of support for the movie by hardly mentioning it...DURING EVERY FRICKIN' COMMERCIAL BREAK! (Again, that's meant as sarcasm, folks!) Anyone else think they took the plot of the Marine, mixed it with that of Speed, put a WWE star in it and said "Here's your movie!" And while it's really cool they got "the director of Die Hard 2" to direct it, this is Renny Harlin who helmed "A Kiss Before Dying" the action-adventure movie that brought me so many unintentionally laughs when I saw it back in the day.
Speaking of movies: I watched the first half of W. last night (and will finish it up as soon as this blog goes to press). It's interesting, and if anyone else out there has seen it, answer me this: Is Oliver Stone's point supposed to be that Bush just wanted to be involved with baseball? Man, I was hoping (and maybe it's still to come) that they'd make some reference to him trading Sammy Sosa.
Just about finished reading Harry Turtledove's "The Man With the Iron Heart" or perhaps as it should be titled "Everybody hates the French and All they Did During World War II was Surrender and Collaborate with the Germans!" Ugh. I love my Turtledove and Alternate History but it's getting a little sickening.
JM
So my big plan this weekend was to finish off everything on my To Do List. At the half-way point of my weekend, I think I've got more items on said list than when I started out. Oh well, perhaps my movie marathon, set for tomorrow, will have to go on the back burner while I get to work...or maybe it won't.
Basically, I want to finish up watching Ring of Honor's Best in the World, watch the extras on Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and start in on the matches for Starrcade: the Essential Collection...oh, and maybe see if there's any hidden goodies on those old VHS tapes I found in a box of videos my sister gave me.
Ah yes...there is another story to that box of videos that Cathy gave me during the move. They were VHS tapes, mostly Disney movies but also stuff like my copy of the Doors, American Graffiti and...Natural Born Killers (???). Anywhoo...since Cathy doesn't have a VCR and I do, she figured I could keep the Disney tapes for Jack to watch when he comes to visit.
But in that box, I found something interesting.
But let me digress a little. Some years ago, I let Cathy borrow my cassette of "Time Pieces: the Best of Eric Clapton". Later on, when I asked if I could borrow it back, I was told...rather bluntly...that she had already given it back and I was full of...well, something...if I thought she still had it. Then, years after, Cathy suddenly discovered she had said cassette and gave it back to me.
Then, some time later, she borrowed my VHS copy of Titanic. And again, I was full of **** to believe that she still had it when I asked where it was.
So...as I'm unpacking this box, amid Pocahantis and "The Best of Jerry Springer Volume 1" (hey, something else I gotta watch, right between WWE and NASCAR!)....guess what I find????
Wait for it!
Wait for it!
My copy of TITANIC!!!!!
So I'm guessing I must have loaned it to Cathy, she gave it back...but I snuck it back into her house...(along with my cassette of Time Pieces: the Best of Eric Claption!) just to make her look bad.
Heheheh! I kid...but I am going to razz her about it.
So I got a rare double-bill of wrestling this morning as Spike rebroadcast TNA Impact and Sportsnet ran the delayed Smackdown, and I noticed something about TNA: It's being booked much like Wrestlemania XXV. Lots of decent aspects all being used totally wrong.
Best example: Booker T vs. AJ Styles for the Legends title. Now, I understand the idea behind the Legends title. It's TNA's way of having a secondary heavyweight title like the Intercontinental or the U.S. title...but dubbing it the "Legends Title"? Personally, I think that's more appropriate for the Jericho vs Piper/Snuka/Steamboat/Santana/JYD/Jake the Snake/Captain Lou Albano match at Mania.
I mean, no offense to Booker T or AJ Styles but while they represent two of the best workers in the industry right now, I'm not sure they fit Legend status...and that's not to say they won't be after they retire. So the Legends title is pretty much a joke right out of the chute, which means it is going to be that much harder to build it into a respected title any time soon. I mean, it's less TNA's version of the Intercontinental Championship and more its version of the Million Dollar Belt.
And I saw Samoa Joe on the show. (Hey it rhymes!) Never mind that frickin' stupid looking tatoo ALL OVER THE SIDE OF HIS FACE. (I mean, at least the Rock can cover his up with a shirt. As Chandler from Friends said "It's like having a bad hair day ALL THE TIME!") But Joe...he's getting fat and when I say FAT, I mean Flabby!
JM
After a very long week, I am back on-line.
Rather than risk my ISP finding this blog and giving me even worse service, I’ll just briefly summarize what happened, for those that don’t know. Basically when I went to install my 1998-vintage modem on my new laptop, it finally gave up the ghost. It took two calls to (my ISP) before they figured out they should send me a new modem, which showed up with no connection wires or even instructions on how to install it. (They were nice enough to send me instructions on how to send my old modem back or risk at $75 service charge.)
As it turned out, not only did I need a new modem but I needed a new Ethernet wire which took two more calls...only after a week, I still have yet to receive said wire. Meanwhile, when I was in Whitby on the weekend, I noticed my sister, Cathy, had an excess wire from getting her Internet hooked up. I asked if I could borrow it and, about ten minutes after I got in the door from returning home, I was back on the Internet.
Yes, I am back just in time to read tributes to Andrew “Test” Martin and how everyone hates the New Facebook. Weird that a week ago, Test was one of the biggest jokes in wrestling and now he’s being hailed an underrated star who never lived up to his potential. I wonder if that means wrestling fans are hypocrites or if it means we’re able to step back and say “hey, yeah he wasn’t a major superstar but he was a human being and we should pay tribute to him.”
Ironically, at almost the very moment Test was discovered dead in Tampa, I was in Cathy’s new house, looking through the phone book to see if I could find a “Martin, A”.
As for this latest version of Facebook...yeah, I can see why people are complaining about it. As my sister says “It’s just Twitter now.” It used to be that you could see what people your friends had added, what groups they’d joined, etc, which gave you ideas on what you could do on Facebook. For example, one of your Facebook friend might add a mutual friend that you didn’t even know was on Facebook, leading to you adding him/her as well.
Now, in order to do that, you have to check out your friend’s pages individually, and even then you have no clue of that person’s activity. I mean, you used to be able to check out a friend’s page and you could tell when they had last been on-line. Now you can’t tell if they added an application or a friend a week ago or a year ago.
So yeah, for once I’m in agreement that the new Facebook sucks.
You know what else I think is going to suck....Wrestlemania XXV. It’s like the booking staff said “Hey, let’s take a bunch of decent elements and see how we can make it as bad as possible. Examples, you ask?
Chris Jericho vs. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Rowdy Roddy Piper – Okay, how did we go from Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke and/or Ric Flair to this? And the short answer is: all the real choices (Rourke, Flair, Austin, Hogan) backed out and so the WWE’s thinking is “if we bring in three legends with no real point to being here, it’ll make up for the lack of one big superstar!” As with a couple of other matches, more is less.
Winner Takes All – WWE Tag Team Titles vs. World Tag Team Titles – Unified Tag Team Title Match: The Miz and John Morrison vs. Carlito and Primo Colon – This might be a better match-up if we hadn’t seen it like 29 times in the past couple of months on Smackdown.
* 25-Diva "Miss WrestleMania" Battle Royal: Known Participants - Melina, Maryse, Mickie James, Gail Kim, Michelle McCool, The Bella Twins, Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, Maria, Eve Torres, Katie Lea Burchill, Beth Phoenix, Layla El, Rosa Mendes, Candice Michelle, Natalya Neidhart, Jillian Hall, Tiffany – This is supposed to be battle royal featuring Divas from the past and present. Check out the list of participants again. Notice any “past Divas”? Me neither. I have heard that Trish Stratus and Sunny may be showing but with three weeks to go, you probably want to announce at least one or two “past Divas”, or we’ll be expecting Stephanie and Linda McMahon, Vickie Guerrero, Lillian Garcia, Mae Young and Pat Patterson in a wig to round out the list.
* Money in the Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Christian vs. Finlay – Ugh! Where to begin? I mean, Money in the Bank should be reserved for those guys who can actually make use of the stips. I really don’t see Mark Henry becoming luchadore material. And really, do you HAVE to have him on the card? Kane...okay, I guess you need to put him somewhere. When I saw Kofi Kingston get included, my thought was “Well, in years past, he’d be the guy you put in MITB to give him a chance to shine a bit, but you leave the win for someone else?” Technically, he’s no worse than the deserving guy to be in the match. Hopefully, this will be the springboard for MVP to get pushed. (And why was Christian jobbed out to Jack Swagger upon his return only to not get a pay-off match at Mania? Come to think of it? Where is the ECW Championship this year?)
* World Title Match: Edge © vs. The Big Show vs. John Cena – Again, more is less here. Just give us Cena vs. Edge. Love triangle with Vickie Guerrero aside, the Big Show has no business being this close to the main event. Actually, why not put Mysterio and Evan Bourne in MITB, and let Show, Henry and Kane compete in a “Loser Gets Fired---No, Really Fired!!!” match which will serve as a great bathroom/reload the snacks match.
This is not to say that Mania will be a complete washout. If Hardy/Hardy or the tag match are allowed, they could steal the show. I’m no Undertaker fan but his match vs. Michaels should be big since the two are icons in the company and Taker’s Streak makes it even more interesting. The Orton/HHH drama is probably a little over the top and can only get worse with a couple more Raws to go, but the match itself will at least provide suitable pay-off.
And hey, it’s Wrestlemania...so it’s like pizza or sex, even when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
For those interested (all...one or two of you) in checking out some good wrestling, pick up some of the Ring of Honor DVDs that have made their way north of the border. When I was at Westmount a couple of weeks ago (some of you know that story, others probably don’t need to know) I was in Zellers and noticed they had ROH:Best in the World and ROH: Greatest Rivalries. I had heard good things about ROH but hadn’t really seen much before giving these DVDs a look. Let me say I am impressed. Basically take what TNA wanted to do with their X Division, add in the best memories of the original ECW, and top it off with some solid wrestling and you’ve got Ring of Honor.
I’m reading Harry Turtledove’s The Man with the Iron Heart. Basically, World War II has ended but a German officer is conducting a guerrilla war against the occupying Allies. With soldiers still dying after the war is supposed to be over, those on the home front begin to question why they still have soldiers overseas. (Hmm...I wonder where Turtledove got his idea from?)
Int.Michael’s Office - Day
Michael is still sorting through resumes as Creed comes in and sits down across from him.
MICHAEL
Hey Creed.
CREED
I’m your man for the job.
MICHAEL
For what job?
CREED
I heard you were hiring for a new salesman. I’d like to apply for the job. I used to work for a small company in Scranton named Dunder Mifflin. Piss-poor operation. Manager there was a complete jerk. I’m looking to move on to a better company. That’s why I applied here. I have references if you need them.
Michael gets up and extends a hand to Creed. Creed gets up from the chair and shakes Michael’s hand.
MICHAEL
That won’t be necessary. I think I have all the information I need. Thank you very much for coming in…Creed was it?
CREED
Creed Bratton.
MICHAEL
All right. I’ll let you know of my decision.
CREED
I can start Monday.
Creed leaves Michael’s office. Michael sits down and contemplates the resumes again.
MICHAEL
(under his breath)
Well, that was another strange experience.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Int. Main Office – Day
Dwight comes back to his desk, having gone to the bathroom. He notices an envelope on his keyboard. He regards it with suspicion.
DWIGHT
What is this?
Jim looks up and sees that Dwight is referring to the envelope.
JIM
Oh…Brian was just here. He felt bad about missing you so he left you a note.
DWIGHT
(not sure if he believes it)
Brian…just happens to show up during the few moments I’m in the bathroom, huh? How convenient.
JIM
What can I say, you two are just working on different schedules?
Dwight opens the envelope and begins to read it.
DWIGHT
(reading)
Dear Dwight. Sorry that I keep missing you. I am hopeful of making your acquaintance in the near future. I look forward to a long and successful career at Dunder Mifflin, working along side of you. I have been told that you are the top salesman in the company and I hope to learn many things from you. Sincerely yours, Brian Anderson.
Dwight thinks on it a minute.
DWIGHT
Mr. Anderson seems like he might make a worthwhile addition to this Office….if he actually exists. Sorry, but this has all the makings of your handiwork, Jim.
JIM
Sorry to disappoint you, Dwight, but even I can’t just come up with a new salesman out of thin air.
DWIGHT
Well, since I have no proof that said salesman actually exists, I am not inclined to believe he exists.
Just then the phone rings. Dwight picks it up.
DWIGHT
Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute speaking….Dwight Schrute…Wait….who are you asking for?....Brian Anderson? No, this is not his extension…Yes, I can take a message.
As Dwight listens to the message, he scribbles a note down on a pad of paper. After he hangs up, he stares at the phone for a moment before looking over at Jim.
DWIGHT
That was about a $5000 sale….on his first day.
JIM
What can I say? That kid is a real go-getter.
Dwight places the note on Brian’s desk, then gets up and heads to Michael’s office.
Int. Michael’s Office - Day
Michael has put the resume file aside and is just working on his computer, most likely surfing the Net.
DWIGHT
Michael.
MICHAEL
Yes, Dwight? What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy?
DWIGHT
(solemnly)
I just wanted to say that I think you made a good choice.
MICHAEL
(turns away from the computer to face Dwight)
Well, of course I did. I had a choice to make. It was a tough choice but I stepped up and I made the best choice possible. That’s what being a good manager is all about.
DWIGHT
I know, Michael. Once again you have proven just why you are the best regional manager in this company. Your leadership is second to…
MICHAEL
Okay, Dwight, you know…nobody likes a suck-up. Just shut it…okay.
DWIGHT
Yes. Michael. Sorry, Michael.
Dwight leaves the office.
MICHAEL
(under his breath – and turning back to the computer)
As if my day wasn’t weird enough.
Ext. Parking Lot - Evening
Jim and Pam exit the Dunder Mifflin building and head to their cars. Both are laughing at the day’s events.
JIM
The look on his face when Toby asked me about Brian joining the Office football pool? That was classic.
PAM
I still don’t know how you got everyone in the Office to back up your story.
JIM
I just e-mailed everyone and told them my plan. Turns out, no one else in the Office other than Angela and Dwight wanted another Dwight running around.
PAM
Thank God we don’t have to worry about that. I wonder if Michael will actually end up doing any interviews and hiring anyone.
JIM
My guess is that he will wait until Ryan issues him another ultimatum and then do basically what he did in my scenario: just randomly call someone and if he or she laughs at even so much as one of Michael’s jokes, he or she will be hired sight unseen.
Just then a car arrives in the parking lot. The car parks in a space a few spots down from where Pam and Jim are standing. A rather professional-looking young man in a suit and tie (BRIAN) gets out. Retrieving his briefcase, he walks up to Jim and Pam.
BRIAN
Hey, Jim! Great first day. Just saw the Purchasing Manager at the Municipal Building and he’s really interested in coming on board with us.
JIM
(startled)
Oh…great!
BRIAN
(turning to Pam)
Oh, you must be Pam. I’m Brian Anderson, the new hire.
Brian sticks his hand out for Pam to shake. Pam shakes his hand while Jim looks on in shock.
PAM
Uhm…pleased to meet you…Brian?
BRIAN
Well, it was good running into you two. I hope Michael is still around. I want to tell him the good news. You know, try and earn a few brownie points on my first day.
Brian heads off towards the entrance to Dunder Mifflin, leaving Pam and Jim to stare after him in surprise.
PAM
(turning back to Jim)
Was that…?
JIM
(shaking his head)
No…there’s no way.
PAM
I though you made that guy up?
JIM
I did.
Int. Conference Room – Day
TALKING HEAD – BRIAN/TOM
BRIAN/TOM
My name is Tom Banks, and I’m a first year theatre major at Lackawanna College here in Scranton. Today, I was hired to play Brian Anderson, a fictional salesman on his first day at the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company. It was my first major starring role and so far, the reviews have been pretty positive.
The camera zooms out to reveal a smirking Dwight sitting next to Brian/Tom.
DWIGHT
Attention: Jim Halpert, when it comes to pranking, there’s a new sheriff in town. The worm has turned. The hunter has become the hunted. Meet the new boss…slightly different than the old boss, actually.
BRIAN/TOM
So, listen, I’m still getting that twenty bucks you promised, right?
DWIGHT
(sighs)
What is it with your generation? It’s always about money. Whatever happened to doing something just for the experience of it? Think of this as an unofficial college credit, something you can put on your resume.
BEAT
BRIAN/TOMYeah…I’m still gonna want that twenty bucks.
Dwight sighs and rolls his eyes.
THE END
EXTRA SCENE -1
Int. Office – Reception – Day
Pam looks up to see Meredith coming in the door, lugging a large dufflle bag, one so large it looks like she could fit into it.
PAM
(puzzled)|
Hey, Meredith. What’s with the duffle bag?
MEREDITH
Like it? I got it from the Army/Navy store. I’m going to use it to sneak onto Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration’s van when Michael and everybody leave for Las Vegas at 5:00. I’m just going jump in the bag and zip it up and when they load on the rest of the luggage, they’ll just load me in, too. My plan is that they won’t know I’m there until it’s too late to turn around and they’ll have to let me come with them to Las Vegas….Creed gave me the idea.
Creed walks into the scene.
CREED
Oh yeah…you have no idea how many times I snuck across one border or another using that scheme.
Creed walks out of the scene.
PAM
(to Meredith)
You do realize that they were leaving at 5:00 AM, not 5:00 PM? There were supposed to leave, like four hours ago.
MEREDITH
(face falls)
You’re kidding me? Man…now what am I going to do with a duffel bag large enough to hide a full-grown person in?
Creed walks back into the shot.
CREED
(holds out a 10 dollar bill)
Give you ten bucks for it.
Meredith snatches the bill away from Creed and hands him the duffel bag.
MEREDITH
Sold.
Meredith heads to her desk while Creed admires the bag,
CREED
(to Pam)
I have to go to Vancouver on some business. This will do nicely.
EXTRA SCENE -2
Int. Michael’s Office –Day
Michael is sitting at his desk, with his head in his hands. Kelly is seated across from him, talking animatedly.
KELLY
…but whoever we hire should totally have good taste in music, like we have to make sure he or she likes Pink and Boys II Men and Christina Aguilera. We should have them fill out a questionnaire about their likes and dislikes so that we don’t end up with someone boring, because I definitely want someone that I can talk to over lunch about Brad and Angelina and not feel like they have no idea who I’m talking about. Sometimes that happens, like the other day I was talking to Angela about how I wanted to see Hannah Montana in concert when she came to Pittsburgh, but Angela said she had no idea who that was and I tried to explain it to her, but she said she didn’t want me to tell her about it which I thought was just rude because all I was trying to do was be informative and help her out because if she knew who Hannah Montana was, then she could talk to other people about Hannah Montana and that would give her one more thing to talk about with people, and that’s really important, don’t you think? Anyways, if we had more people around this office with more knowledge about celebrities, I think it would give people in the office more things to talk about than just business and work. I mean, I understand we’re here at work but…
MICHAEL
(turns to camera-hushed tones)
I didn’t try to pass the hiring off on to her. I didn’t even call her into my office. She came in here and just started talking….that was a half an hour ago….Help me.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Int. Michael’s Office – Day
Stanley, rather reluctantly enters the room and takes a seat across from Michael.
MICHAEL
Stanley…the Manly. How we doing today?
STANLEY
Well, I’d be doing a whole lot better if I was (pointing towards his desk) out there instead of in here. What was so important that I had to interrupt my sales calls to come in here and talk to you?
MICHAEL
Well, as a matter of fact, I actually wanted to talk to you about your sales recently.
STANLEY
(accusingly)
What’s wrong with my sales recently?
MICHAEL
Not a thing! Not a ding-darn thing. In fact, your sales have been so good that I wanted to talk to you about a promotion.
STANLEY
A promotion? A promotion to what? Sadly, you’re not going anywhere. Jim actually does his job so he’s not going anywhere, and if you think I’m taking over Dwight’s job as “Assistant TO the Regional Manager” you are dumber than you look,
MICHAEL
(muttering)
Well, I don’t know about that.
(to Stanley)
No, I have another position for you (that’s what she said).
STANLEY
(getting up to leave)
I’ve wasted enough time in here. I have to get back to work.
MICHAEL
Wait a minute, Stanley. Let me get right to the point.
Stanley, begrudgingly sits down.
MICHAEL
(continued)
I am going to make you the Chief Executive Officer, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, in Charge of Interviewing and Hiring.
Stanley rolls his eyes.
STANLEY
So, you want me to be in charge of hiring this new employee. Someone who may come in here and take customers and sales away from me, thus cutting into my commission cheques.
Michael isn’t sure how to respond at first.
MICHAEL
Uhm….yee-ess?
STANLEY
Will I be getting a raise as part of my new position within this company?
MICHAEL
Well…no, see it’s more about the prestige of the position.
Stanley gets up out of his chair,
STANLEY
Well, Michael, I’ve heard a lot of stupid and idiotic things come out of that mouth of yours, and this isn’t the stupidest or the most idiotic.
MICHAEL
Oh?
STANLEY
But it’s in the Top 10.
Michael.
Oh.
Stanley leaves the office, heading back to his own desk.
Int. Office - Day
Jim is typing away on his computer when he is struck on the side of the head with a small object.
JIM
Ow!
Jim looks down to see that the object is a yellow jelly bean. He picks it up, studies it and then looks over to reception, where Pam is motioning him to come over to her desk. Jim, still holding the jellybean in his hand, gets up from his desk and walks over to Pam’s.
JIM
You know, if you wanted my attention, you could have just….I don’t know, cleared your throat, sent me an Instant Message, gone the whole “Psss…Pss…” route. Instead, you assaulted me with a deadly weapon, this yellow jelly bean.
Jim pops the jellybean in his mouth.
PAM
Yeah, listen, we have a bit of a problem.
JIM
As in Houston, we have a problem?
PAM
As in I kind of overheard something. Dwight is planning to tell Michael that he should be put in charge of the hiring so that he can hire himself.
JIM
Hire himself what?
PAM
That’s just it. He’s basically going to hire another version of himself so that he and Angela and Dwight can form an alliance and quote the balance of power will be shifted unquote.
JIM
(raises his eyebrows)
So he’s going to hire himself his own Mini-Me.
PAM
That’s about the size of it. What are we going to do? I mean, Angela and Dwight are bad enough, but to have a third member of their little Axis of Evil to deal with would be too much.
JIM
Wow! And what is really scary is that Michael just asked me to take charge of the hiring because he doesn’t want to have to wade through all those resumes and set up interviews. In other words, all Dwight is going to have to do is ask Michael for the position and it’s his.
PAM
Hoo boy. We’re in trouble.
JIM
Unless…
Pam looks at Jim hopefully.
PAM
Unless?
JIM
Unless we convince Dwight that Michael has already hired someone.
PAM
But won’t Dwight catch on when there’s no new employee?
JIM
Ah…but there will be a new employee.
PAM
An invisible employee?
JIM
Not so much an invisible employee as just one that never seems to be around when Dwight is, and vice versa. You know, it’s been a while since you and I have properly pranked Dwight, and far be it from me to allow our skills to get rusty from lack of use.
PAM
(fakes swooning)
My hero.
JIM
(shaking his head)
Oh, I’m not a hero. Just doing my job, ma’am.
(tips his invisible cowboy hat)
Int. Michael’s Office - Day
Toby appears at Michael’s door. He appears apprehensive about why Michael has called him in to his office.
TOBY
You wanted to see me, Michael?
MICHAEL
Toby! How are you today? Come on in, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
Toby comes into Michael’s office and sits down, but he looks more apprehensive than comfortable.
MICHAEL
(continued)
Did you want some coffee? I can get Pam to get you a cup.
TOBY
(shaking his head)
No, it’s okay.
MICHAEL
Some juice? Soda? Bottled water?
TOBY
No. No. I’m fine.
MICHAEL
All right. But if you change your mind, Pam is just a phone call away. Hey, you know what else is just a phone call away? Pizza. You hungry? I could order a pizza, we could hang out, talk…I feel like we never talk anymore. Whatever happened to the days where you and I used to sit back, put our feet up on the desk and rap about whatever, life, hopes, dreams, women…
TOBY
I don’t think that ever happened, Michael,
MICHAEL
I know, but it should have. I realize now that I’ve been too rough on you. It wasn’t fair. I mean, I…I just saw you as a spy from Corporate trying to rain on my parade, trying to ruin my fun. And now I realize that you were just trying to do your job and help out the people in this office so that they had a healthy work environment.
TOBY
I’m glad you finally see that, Michael.
MICHAEL
Well, I do and I hereby apologize. And not only for all the times I gave you grief and called you names and embarrassed you in from of the other employees but for something I almost did today.
TOBY
Really? What did almost do, Michael?
MICHAEL
I tried to take away a part of your job. I tried to...”hone in on your turf” as it were. I was going to take it upon myself to hire a new salesperson for the branch, and I realize now that would have been wrong. So… here you are Toby. Here are the resumes for you to look over (starts to hand the folder to Toby) and I am confident, my much-maligned friend, that you will make an excellent decision and hire a new employee that will only help to strengthen our branch and the Dunder Mifflin Scranton Family.
TOBY
(waving off the folder)
Actually, Michael, hiring isn’t part of my job.
MICHAEL
What? What do you mean? You’re our HR Rep. HR stands for Human Resources, right? It doesn’t stand for Home Runs or Hot Republicans, does it? I mean, we need another Human in this Office and you have the Resources to get us on, so get on it.
TOBY
Michael, my job is to make sure that if any of our staff have any problems with management or another employee, I can solve them before they become major issues.
MICHAEL
That is your job? That is what you get paid to do?
TOBY
Yes, Michael. We’ve been over this before.
MICHAEL.
So…you get paid by Dunder Mifflin to sit at your desk and wait for problems to arise in an environment that, thanks to me, is the most fun and most enjoyable office in the history of this company? You know Toby, I always thought that you were the most worthless human being I had ever met, but now I realize that I overestimated your value to this company. I can not believe that in good faith, you can draw a wage from this company. You are like a fireman in the Arctic. You are like someone who sells Flood Insurance in the middle of the Sahara Desert.
TOBY
I think that’s being a little harsh.
MICHAEL
You know, Toby, seeing as how you basically are employed to solve problems that could never exist in this Office, you would think that you would be begging for something to do, just to liven up your day. You know what? Just get out, get out of my office. Try not to fall asleep at your desk.
Int. Conference Room - Day
TALKING HEAD: TOBY
TOBY
Actually, HR Departments for many companies do handle the hiring of new employees. In fact, technically it’s even part of my job description. However, before he met with Michael today, Ryan specifically told me to disavow any such knowledge. I think this is a test Ryan is springing on Michael…and thus far he’s failing with flying colours.
Int. Main Office - Day
Dwight comes back into the Office and puts his briefcase down on his desk. He opens the briefcase and takes out a sheet of paper with some figures on it. He sits down at his desk and begins to type. Jim looks up from his work.
JIM
How was your sales call?
DWIGHT
What do you think? Another $4000 in sales for yours truly.
JIM
(raises his eye brows)
That’s amazing. I’m impressed.
DWIGHT
(still intent on his work)
I didn’t do it to win your approval and I don’t need a meaningless pat on the back. Just doing my job. I did it for the greater good of Dunder Mifflin.
Dwight finishes up his typing.
DWIGHT
(beginning to get out of his char)
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to see Michael on a matter of great importance.
Pam shoots Jim a look that says “You better do something quick”. Jim is nonchalant about the situation.
JIM
By the way, you missed all the excitement.
Dwight pauses, gives Jim a skeptical look, like Jim could have any news that would impress Dwight K. Schrute.
DWIGHT
Oh really?
JIM
Yeah. Michael finally cracked down on the whole hiring process.
Dwight looks stunned, as if all his (and Angela’s dreams) are in jeopardy.
DWIGHT
R-really?
Jim picks up some sheets of paper on his desk and begins to leaf through them.
JIM
Yep. Found a couple of possibilities. Phoned up the first one and the guy impressed him so much, Michael hired him sight unseen, over the phone.
Dwight isn’t sure whether to believe Jim, so he just remains at his desk, not quite sitting, not quite standing.
DWIGHT
Michael hired this new employee sight unseen?
JIM
Brian Anderson is his name. Top of his class in Business and Economics at Brown. Four years in sales at a small paper company in Maryland. Managed to increase his sales by 15% or more each year until the company went bankrupt.
DWIGHT
So when does this whiz kid start?
JIMToday.
DWIGHT
(skeptical)
Today?
JIM
He came right over after Michael called him. Just dropped a few things off at his desk (Jim motions to where he used to sit during Season 3) and headed out to see a couple of clients.
Dwight looks over at Jim’s old desk/Brian’s desk and sees a framed photo, a day planner set on top of a couple of sheets of paper and a couple of pens. On the back of the chair is an overcoat. Dwight still doesn’t move, but he begins to realize Jim might be telling the truth.
A moment later, Toby comes out from the annex.
JIM
Hey Toby.
TOBY
Hey Jim. Before he left, do you know if Brian filled out that Income Tax form?
JIM
Yes. Indeed he did. He said that he was leaving it on his desk under his day planner…oh, and he also brought along a cancelled cheque for the direct deposit.
TOBY
Oh great!
Dwight watches as Toby walks over to Brian’s desk and moves the day planner. Toby picks up the sheets of paper as well as, it is revealed, a cancelled cheque. Toby looks over the papers and the cheque and nods approvingly.
TOBY
Excellent. Nice to see that Brian was thinking ahead. Saves me having to chase him down for it later.
(to Jim)
Think we could get him in on the office football pool?
JIM
He said he’d be up for it, but only if he got first dibs on Peyton Manning.
As Jim and Toby continue to chat, Dwight realizes that his (and Angela’s dream) of being in charge of the new hire was finished. He sinks back into his chair, deflated. A moment or two later, Toby heads back to the Annex, passing Creed who heads towards Michael’s office.
